The following excerpts are from a John Gray book called Venus on fire, Mars on ice. Like his previous book this one focuses on the differences between men and women and how understanding these can improve our relationships. This time, though, he explains where these differences come from and how hormones play a big role. So, why oxytocin is such a big deal for us women and also can it help unlock fertility?
Testosterone and oxytocin
These are two hormones that both men and women have but..! Testosterone is the one that helps men reduce stress while oxytocin does that for women. Testosterone is replenished in men when they solve problems, achieve goals and while they rest alone in their man cave. Oxytocin increases in women when they plan ahead, take care of others and themselves, communicate and express their feelings.
Traditionally, this worked well. Nowadays, not so much. John Gray explains why:
“There are more and more women in testosterone-stimulating jobs. Such women will be drawn to the cave, just as their men are. Testosterone-stimulating jobs inevitably deplete this hormone for women just as they would for men, and some form of cave time is required for replenishment.” … “After a very testosterone-oriented day, a woman needs more than to rebuild her testosterone levels, though. She also needs to boost her oxytocin levels. Testosterone- rebuilding may get her ready for the next day, but she will continue to be stressed until she’s made sufficient oxytocin.“
Stress, oxytocin and fertility
“Unreleased stress not only prevents her from getting in touch with her positive feelings, it interferes with her health as well. I have repeatedly observed women having fertility issues because they aren’t effectively coping with the stress of their testosterone- stimulating jobs. These women often cope with the stress of work by being alone for a time or through solitary exercise, but these won’t help her transition back to her female side. She needs oxytocin.
Many women have restored their fertility by increasing their access to oxytocin-stimulating behaviours, therapies, and foods.”
Yoga and oxytocin
Yoga is by its nature an oxytocin-generating practice. It asks you to slow down, to turn inward, to breathe with intention and to be present in your body. These are precisely the conditions under which oxytocin rises. The physical touch of hands on a mat, the rhythm of a shared breathing practice, the sense of being held and supported in a restorative pose – all of it speaks directly to the female nervous system in a way that achievement-oriented exercise simply does not. We know this in our bodies and the research, although still growing, suggests that yoga can measurably increase oxytocin levels.
There is also something worth naming about the particular quality of attention yoga brings. It is not passive rest – which, as John Gray points out, rebuilds testosterone but does little for oxytocin. And it is not the kind of driven, goal-oriented exercise that can inadvertently keep a woman locked in her testosterone state. Yoga occupies a different register entirely. It is nurturing and receptive. It is, in the truest sense, restorative. And for women whose days are spent in high-output, high-demand environments, that distinction matters enormously.
The hard part is that for many of us women, the very thought of taking time for ourselves feels overwhelming. It can register either as another item on an already impossible list. Or as a soft optional that can be quietly dropped when something more urgent appears – which is always.
Taking care of ourselves is not what we do after everything else is handled. It is what makes everything else possible. Like putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others – the instruction exists because you cannot give what you do not have.
Photo by Madison Oren on Unsplash
